Coming Back to This

After a long gap, I've decided to start using this blog to post my new healing journey.  I am learning to use prayer in a different way and really apply spiritual principles in my daily life.  For a while now A Course in Miracles has been an inspiration and I want to pray in the way it suggests.  I thank Robin Duncan for her teaching and interpretation of the Course and making it practical.She has a lot of free resources at her website, www.FastTracktoPeace.com   I have a continuing challenge with guilt and anxiety about many different topics, and yet my life is really quite happy too and I do have faith and trust in a Higher Power. I don't believe in a God who judges, though that is the concept I grew up with, but there is a Loving Wisdom that I can choose to access, but I have a tendency to choose fear first.   But I feel I could deepen into this Loving Wisdom much more and so I would like to do a bit of a Challenge here, to write my prayers about my real life, for 90 Days.  So these are going to be short, very specific prayers, on all the things that bug me, pull me down, make me anxious or depressed...over the next 3 months.  
Dear God,  I'm worried I might not stick to this, or I might not be really honest, if I write this in a blog and not longhand.  I breathe into that idea and see it is just a few thoughts.  I am willing to change the way I see this and choose to trust that this is OK to do and it will benefit me, and perhaps one day, other people. And so it is, Amen.

I did the first two prayers already so I am going to write them out:

Dear God,  
I am so angry still with my mum. I feel rage when she "rides roughshod" over my wishes and feelings and insists the she knows best. I am aware of making a barrier against her which has been there since I was 10 years old at the most, maybe I was younger than that when I withdrew from  her.  Not necessarily a total withdrawal, but there was a kind  of shut down that affected not just how I related to her, but to Life.  A closing of a door.  Now when I am spending much time in her company, as I do as she gets older, all that frustration and fear rises in my mind and I feel claustrophobic and cut off from my Self.

I surrender this situation to you. I can't think my way out of it.  I don't want to hang on to this old, old, story. I ask for healing for the part of my mind that feels it is a tiny, helpless, threatened victim and that it has to have this barrier to be safe. I know that this affects my ability to love myself and anyone else. I have had therapy, done workshops and trainings of all kinds which have helped, but there is still this deep "knot" of fear, anger and guilt which I don't know how to dissolve. It affects my capacity to be loved, loving and lovable and as my mum and I too, get older, this unhealed wound is needing attention.
I am willing to have healing in my mind of all the thinking that leads to this sadness and loss, including being willing to feel those feelings deeply. I trust that Holy Spirit will heal me kindly and completely and guide me step by step.  I choose peace instead of all this pain.  I choose love and peace right in the place where hate and resentment and guilt seem to thrive. I trust the essence of love as my essence. I choose to hand all of this over to Your Divine Loving Wisdom and rest in peace that this is done already, no matter what my feelings may say.
Thank you Holy Spirit.

Outcome/Update:    As I rewrote this just now, I realized I do feel calmer and yet I also feel more compassion for the inner child who felt a bit smothered by my mother. I also feel compassion for her inner child who had a pretty rough time growing up in the 30's and 40's and then a pretty rough time in her marriage and bringing up 8 children.  I feel I do have some trauma about all this and I think Holy Spirit is whispering to me that I could dive into some of the resources I have about attachment and early wounding.  And the work of  Louise Hay too! But the main thing is that I am willing to let go of the part of me that feels that my angry response is the only way, that punishing my mother even silently by my withdrawal is justified, and I feel a sense of peace wrapping round the pain so it is less overwhelming.   Of course, my mind says, this is a really big deal, it's affected my whole life, my friendships, my relationships, my self esteem... if I allow healing to happen, then I have to accept it could have happened sooner and my life could have been happier sooner, then I have to forgive myself for all that, all the wasted time.  For a part of my mind, it feels safer to stick with the familiar...What does a Course in Miracles say?  There is no order of difficulty in miracles.  I could let go of the thought that this will take ages and require a lot more emotional release, and be a lot of trouble.  I am due to see my mother again in one week's time.  She is older, needing support and ego mind resents the time and effort this requires, feeling that it is getting in the way of me living my own life.. and then feels guilty about this.   So I'm a distance carer.  I could accept some support about this.  And pray about it too.  Anyway, that was my first prayer on this new journey of healing and forgiveness. Thank you Holy Spirit.